Monday, January 26, 2009

Defective

We buy things. They have warranties. If they break in a given time, we return them and get new ones (or wait a little while for the one we purchased to be fixed). We expect so much from our appliances, our cars, our cameras, our kids toys, our computers. When they break, we're angry and immediately work to fix the problem. Heaven forbid we have to wait a few weeks for the repairs to be complete. How inconvenient.

How I wish I could check myself into the repair shop to fix my problem. I'm defective, broken, but unlike a car or computer, I can't be fixed or replaced. That doesn't mean I can't try.

There is so much in my head right now. So many questions, so many unknowns. That doesn't stop me from asking and asking and asking, hoping one day there'll be some light shed on something, some A-ha moment. I know the likelihood of that is pretty slim, but until I'm told otherwise, that's the thin light at the end of the tunnel that I'm reaching for. While I don't seem to be getting any closer, with each question and each unknown, the sliver of light doesn't get much brighter, but it stays constant.

I've questioned a lot before my diagnosis; I fumbled around the unknown, looking for a place where I could feel comfortable. Was it church, some kind of spiritual movement? I was always too afraid to try. Afraid of what, I'm not entirely sure. I fear failure. I fear ridicule. I fear offending.

Fear is a big hurdle, but I'm slowly making my way to the starting line. I'm warming up, getting ready to make the big run and - hopefully - the big jump over. I hope I fly gracefully over the bar. I hope my foot doesn't catch and trip me up. So far, my feet are doing what they're supposed to do; no disease-related trip-ups. I figure now the time to make sure I can fly gracefully on my own. Time to try new things.

I had my energy healed the other day. A good friend of mine has trained in Eastern philosophy and healing. She and her husband run and operate an alternative healing wellness center out of their home in Maryland. We had a phone consultation on Saturday night. I don't quite know or understand how it works, but I know I went to bed feeling lighter than I have in a long time. Libby found lots of "sticky stuff" in my energy levels. She helped clear some of that sticky stuff. I know there's more work to be done and I know now's the time. So I tried something else new.

A friend's mother-in-law is a trained iridologist. She stopped by yesterday and read my eyes. Why not? What I find so frustrating about MS is the lack of knowledge. Doctors don't know what causes it. They don't know how to cure it. All the can tell you is to eat a healthy diet, exercise and stay stress-free. Sounds like a prescription for everyone. Unfortunately, I'm not happy with that blanket "cure." There has to be something more I can do. Perhaps I'll never find that one special thing that I'll dive into with my whole being and be happy and content to truly believe, but for now, I'm finding little pieces of lots of things to give me something to hold onto while I swim around in the unknown. I think of them as little flotation devices. They may not keep me above water all the time, but while I have them, I can catch my breath and swim a little.

So, I had my eyes read and after the session, learned a couple of things I didn't already know and a few things I did. Do I put a lot of faith into what I learned? Perhaps not, but the suggestions made can't hurt me and may just help a little. So, I ask again, why not?

I'm having acupuncture next week. Need I ask the question again? If bunches of little needles will help me feel better than I do right now, I'm willing to give it a try. I know several people who have tried acupuncture with great results, so I'm eager to try it out for myself. I'm keeping an open mind but not expecting any miraculous MS healing to happen as a result of anything. Unless I'm the medical equivalent of the immaculate conception, I doubt I'll be magically cured of MS by tiny needles, a few more vitamins, and having my energy healed. I do, however, believe that the human body is amazing but so unknown.

So, while I float around in my known of the unknown, diving deeper into the unknown unknown might just be good for my unknown known. If that means believing a little that the eye can tell us things about our bodies that we don't know yet, so be it. If that means believing that tiny needles can help with blood flow throughout our body, so be it. If that means believing that my energy has sticky stuff that needs removing, let me get my scrubbing brush and get to work. If my body is cluttered with sticky stuff, how am I going to be able to get to the foundation and make sure its strong to hold me up over time? I'm checking myself in for a little repair. Lots of little repairs can add up over time to a pretty big overhaul.

3 comments:

Günter Schenk said...

Hi Dale,

10 years ago my 2nd wife was diagnosed MS -- she got it pretty bad, and all efforts and medical treatments regretfully could not help her.

However I don´t want to talk about MS as such, but I´d just like to encourage you to try living your life to the fullest and "embrace" all things which *do* make you feel better, regardless if they make sense or not or just partially. Time will tell.

Faith (not essentially a religious one) can move mountains -- and although MS is surrounded with way too many uncertainties, all I can say from (maybe somewhat indirect, but nonetheless very intense...) experience is:

- retaining a positive mindset

- never abandoning hope and trust in yourself

- surrounding yourself with good friends who are capable (or: willing to learn) to understand what you´re going through

- developing the will to overcome self-doubt and that particular "I´m defective" attitude, which is pretty symptomatic

...clearly do have a very important impact on how "your" MS will develop over the years.

When reading your "defective" post I noticed that (despite all uncertainties and "questions" which probably cannot get resolved) you seem to have that kind of positive mindset already -- just try making much more out of it, OK ? :-)

Cheers, and Thumbs Up !!

Günter

epschleichert said...

Dale,
You left a cute comment on my blog
and I'm doing the same here.
Yes, we can . . . create the change we long for, as Obama's faithfuls echoed!
Go girl!
Love, Libby (Boyds Wellness Center)

Debra said...

Dear Dale,

You have a gift for language that is gripping and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your life's journey. I believe in you always. My love to you, Joe, and Ava.